NVIDIA Unleashes New Detonator ASS Drivers
New Application-Specific Supercharger (ASS) Driver Architecture Delivers Increased Performance with Less Image Quality for all NVIDIA Graphics Products
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RELEASE DELAYED PENDING APPROVAL BY JEN-HSUN:
SANTA CLARA, CA - JUNE 9, 2003 - NVIDIA Corporation (Nasdaq: NVDA), the worldwide leader in visual processing solutions, today released the NVIDIA® Detonator Application-Specific Supercharger (ASS) unified drivers for the Company’s award-winning line of desktop, mobile, and workstation graphics processing units (GPUs). The NVIDIA Detonator ASS drivers deliver significant performance increases along with exceptionally marginal image quality, and provide a robust suite of software applications designed to extend and degrade the visual computing experience. Detonator ASS provides up to a 3000% increase in 3D graphics performance in real-world gaming benchmarks, and works with the entire line of NVIDIA GPUs - from the brand new GeForce FX GPUs, all the way back to the five-year-old TNT GPUs.
"NVIDIA’s ASS is the key driver of developer and review site loyalty," stated Dan Vivoli, executive vice president of marketing at NVIDIA. "With our new ASS, websites and developers who have been afraid to cross us and our legal department have new justification for the whoring we expect them to do. With the new Detonator ASS drivers, the GeForce FX 5800 doesn't just suck ass, it sucks ASS."
Along with the increase in rendering performance, Detonator ASS delivers decreased anisotropic filtering, taking NVIDIA GPUs to lower and truly inaccurate levels of image quality. Based on feedback received from industry "pundits," NVIDIA’s ASS delivers blurrier, yet fewer accurately rendered textures, resulting in a less vibrant gaming and desktop experience.
"Along with a considerable performance bump in key applications, NVIDIA takes great strides in the image quality department with Detonator ASS," said Kyle Bennett, editor in chief of HardOCP (www.hardocp.com
). "Like I could tell anyways - Brent does all of this **** anyways. BTW Brian where's my check? I've got a million graphs to change, users to ban, and threads to lock and I don't have time to actually review this ****."
Included with the Detonator ASS is a complete suite of NVIDIA software applications, including:
nView 2.0 multi-display technology - an exciting tool which allows us to spread ASS on two monitors, not just one.
NVRotate technology - enabling ASS rotation on today’s advanced flat panel displays.
NVKeystone technology - allowing for real-time ASS correction on portable projectors and heads-up displays
Digital Vibrator Control (DVC) 3.0 technology - allowing users to adjust their ASS vibrator properties from either the Display Properties panel or an attractive and convenient text-based blue screen.
NEW NVIDIA TECHNOLOGIES
NVIDIA architecture - since our historic agreement with Futuremark was announced last week, NVIDIA has developed several new driver subarchitectures for using the now idle capabilities of our cards. NVIDIA proudly announces NVIDIA
ll. Since NVIDIA - not developers - is the ultimate arbiter of what gets rendered to a user's screen, NVIDIA has implemented an AI system in the new Detonator ASS drivers whereby the ASS decides what gets rendered. Here's a preview from the ASS' rendering of 3DMark03's Nature scene:
1) The turtle. The ASS has determined the turtle is the cutest part of the whole scene and ignores all other objects. In fact, the ASS likes the turtle so much it renders two of them.
2) The water. There is none. The ASS has determined turtles like water, so if you see a turtle you should use your imagination to see the water that's probably around the turtle, unless you're blind or retarded (*see legal counsel's note below)
3) The sky. There is none. The turtle's outside. Use your imagination, unless you're blind or retarded (*see legal counsel's note below)
4) F*** you Finn Boys - The ASS likes this better than the FPS panel.
5) The NVIDIA and Futuremark logos aren't stuck to the turtles - They don't HAVE to be stuck to the turtles. You got the point, didn't you?
6) The NVIDIA turtle screwing the Futuremark turtle - The ASS renders reality whether you like it or not
7) Dawn - The ASS loves Dawn, and Dawn loves ASS. The ASS would rather see Dawn than some lame butterfly. Besides, with NVIDIA's exciting new NVerify technology (see below) users can see a nude Dawn and the turtles in a 3-way. Plus, the possibilities with Dawn's bisexual sister Dusk are endless.
(the technology) has total control over what the user sees, NVIDIA (the corporation) has implemented an exciting new technology called NVerify. Using a credit card and an 128-bit unsecured server, NVerify will attempt to verify if a user is over 18. If true, ASS can render objects totally nude and with customizable genitalia. The NVerify Developer Pages will be up shortly, but below are a few of the new extensions developers can use to make suggestions to the ASS (though the ASS has the final say):
NV_texture_titties_<size> where size = 12yrold, earlybloomer, bigguns, pamela_lee, pornstar, or any integer between 50 and 99 representing cup size
NV_texture_titties_<shape> where shape = natural, bigandfake, or pamela_lee (same as bigandfake)
NV_texture_titties_nipples_<size> where size = dime, penny, nickel, quarter, halfdollar, saucers, stretchedbysurgery
For the female and gay audience, here are a few of the male ASS extensions:
NV_texture_penis_<size> where size = baby, kiddie, normal, ronjeremy, longdongsilver, ohmygoshicantgetmymoutharoundthat, or any integer between 18 and 99 representing inches
NV_texture_penis_nutsack_<size> where size = baby, kiddie, normal, onehunglow, floordraggers, or any integer between 18 and 99 representing diameter
NVerify represents a truly unique experience that's unavailable in the gaming industry. Once a user sees a fuzzy NVIDIA American nutsack, they'll never go back to any neat, accurately rendered Canadian nutsacks.
Despite the recent Futuremark controversy, NVIDIA is ready and willing to compete toe-to-toe with any company worldwide as equals in a clean, above board manner. The discriminating consumer should also know that NVIDIA is an American company, so you don't have to worry about contracting SARS from drivers that are made in Canada by certain of our competitors. NVIDIA can't confirm this, but it is suspected that one of our in-house testers contracted SARS by installing a Radeon 9800 Pro. Investigation suggests that the Radeon Cats may be a distant relative of Chinese Civet Cats, a known SARS carrier. Remember, NVIDIA's ASS has no SARS!
The NVIDIA Detonator ASS drivers are free of charge, and will available shortly for download at http://www.nvidia.com/drivers.
NVIDIA Corporation is a market leader in visual computing technology dedicated to creating products that enhance the interactive experience on consumer and professional computing platforms. It has been in deep doo-doo after the GeForce FX 5800 flopped and ultimately contributed more to noise pollution than the entire fleet of Concordes. Now that nForce2 is about to be *****slapped by KT600 and SiS748, it is becoming desperate. NVIDIA is headquartered in Santa Clara, California and employs more than 1,500 people worldwide. For more information, visit the Company’s Web site at www.nvidia.com.
*Legal counsel note - if you are blind and/or retarded, we apologize and do not mean to demean your handicap. Unless you're Kyle.
P.S. April 1 came late this year